Chapter 1 (excerpt)

I was the last one to be born in my family. Most people think it is a blessing to be the youngest one. However, in a family of four siblings, everyone is competing for attention or affection and is quite challenging. My mom had a svelte figure and with time I realized that she was not well. To a point I was a toddler I realized that my dad hired a nanny to help with cooking and cleaning. Teresa was kind and warm and her smile will never be forgotten. My relationship with my mother is structured in the realization that she couldn’t be there for me. My siblings were not there for me either. It felt like they resented the fact that I was alive and perhaps the reason why my mom was sick. That sets the foundation of our relationship going forward. Most of the time, I would be playing alone. As I got older, Iwould be playing with little baking molds filled with wet dirt pretending I was baking cakes and of course I did eat mud. My older sisters were two years apart and enjoyed each other's company. They played with their barbie dolls and kept them almost untouched. In contrast, I had even cut the hair off my Barbie. They took care of their dolls so well that come Christmas time, “Santa” will bring them two dolls and I will get one. I finally figured out why the abundance for them, their ability to care for and maintain the dolls made sense and was a reward. But that in itself, created a thought of scarcity for me. A sense that I needed to work harder to get something in return. It also inferred that I was not deserving of abundance. For much too long I realized that I was not really wanted or appreciated by any of my siblings. I was on my own. As I got older, I decided to spend more time with my dad who showed love and compassion to me. I think he realized the dynamics and felt a bit guilty about it. I would go down to his workshop and help him clean up by picking up the screws and little wires that fell on the floor. I would put all of it in an empty coffee can for him to reuse. Looking back, I think he purposely threw the screws on the floor to keep me busy.